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General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know
how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy
computers.
Imagine if they did....
Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing
happened!"
Help Line: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
Help Line: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all these technical terms just to use my car?"
Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go
anywhere."
Help Line: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"
Help Line: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a
needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle
pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"
Help Line: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay
the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that
comes with everything built in!"
Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars suck!"
Help Line: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what's wrong!"
Help Line: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted it to run faster so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it
crashed and it won't start now."
Help Line: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that
doesn't crash anymore."
Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power
steering, powerbrakes, and power door locks."
Help Line: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
Help Line: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
Help Line: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places
in my car!"
Guidelines:
When a user is calling in need of help, don't forget that he is a weakling.
Only a loser would need to come groveling to you, begging for crumbs
of help that may fall from your godlike lips. And he KNOWS that he is
a loser in the race of the weak and the strong, that his kind is
doomed to extinction. Therefore, show him no mercy. Treat him with
the utter contempt that he deserves. It is the law of nature that you
should do so.
Key phrases:
1. "You aren't very smart, are you?"
2. "I can't believe you call yourself a programmer!"
3. "Our product is obviously too complex and advanced for you. Please
desist from using it - you are soiling it."
Nevertheless, there may come a time when you actually must help the
user, even though he is sucking away your magnificent intellectual
vitality with his grotesque shambling confusion. He is a lower form
of life and you must make him feel it, lest he take on ambitions of
evolving to your level.
Key Phrases:
1. "Now I will read aloud the section of the manual that you failed to
comprehend."
2. "You have ignominiously blundered on line 35, committing an error
that a blind man programming an abacus would be ashamed of."
3. "What you've done in your function foo is the coding equivalent of
failing to empty your colostomy bag."
Alas, upon occasion there comes a time when it is obvious that the
compiler / program is at fault. This is no reason to let the user
feel superior to anyone, however. The design of the compiler /
program is still far beyond his limited mental capacities. His duty
is to worship, not criticize.
Key Phrases:
1. "The inner workings of the compiler are far beyond your antlike
comprehension."
2. "That behavior is described in ANSI specification 21.11.45.7.3.8.
You are familiar with that section, I assume..."
3. "Our software can behave in that manner only if it has been
corrupted by long exposure to users of your caliber."
And finally, a user may eventually want you to code something for him,
or send him an example. The user has asked something that is against
the laws of nature. Such creatures as himself exist to serve you and
not you him. Therefore such a request is impossible and against
nature, and does not exist, and therefore never happened. Response is
not possible.
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